Archive for the ‘Cryptics’ Category

Cold Summer Nights

Posted: May 19, 2013 in Confessions, Cryptics

(October 19, 2013 – Disclaimer: This was written several months ago. I can see the significant change that has happened to me in the past few months. As I have mentioned several times already in this blog, the emotions involved here, and the person that I was when I wrote this may not necessarily be reflective of my current state. I was actually planning of removing this post. I did for a time, put it in private, for I thought it would give a bad impression to whoever it is that is making me move right now – making me live with a purpose. But I told myself why hide something that helped you make my self who I am right now? So there. You know who you are, if you ever happen to read this. )

I never imagined how cold I have already become, to everyone around me.

These new people around me have been telling me that I tend to be so insensitive every time I make comments about some people, that I sound as if I don’t even give a crap if some people would find them offensive or not. Mind you, I am really that straightforward, but really, I don’t really give a crap.

I used to kill myself thinking of what possibly might be the reasons when your guy friends invite you out, but now I couldn’t almost care less. I am sure that there would be other guys who are hitting on you, and you just go and entertain them. I am just wondering why I just don’t worry much. I don’t know why. The only reason that I could think of is that you are not really into being in a relationship right now, and you just want to have fun. I know, because you told me. And I might have gone too complacent because of that fact.

And you definitely are some force, for me to not desire wanting other girls – I would in a heartbeat reject the idea of wooing a girl who is far from your qualities. Aside from the fact that it would be hard for me to invest some good emotions again, I most of the time just see it as a waste of time.

And come on, honestly, like how many times have we spent time together since the year started? Two movies, an out of town, and a night of gazing at the heavenly bodies? Compare them to the things that you do with your friends, any of those that we’ve had won’t even be written on your calendar as an important event. But I have all of them saved. Both in my calendar, and in my memory. And they are all stored in my heart. Those were precious. Not because most of them were done the first time, but because all of them I did with you. Those were precious, no matter how they don’t seem to count as huge events in your life at all, at least that’ s how I see it.

Just recently, I had some serious discussions with my new colleagues about how to love one’s partner. I know you would believe me if I told you that they thought that I was really a jerk, for letting all those things happen to me, and he people involved, that thing from three years ago. I haven’t got any serious partner since then. Not because I don’t want to get anyone hurt, but it was more of I was traumatized by your rejection – I don’t want to try wasting my time and emotions and efforts anymore on some other girls who can’t even be compared to you.

I am still a bag of douche waiting to be triggered. The slightest touch on the trigger is all I need and I could become the baddest partner there is once again. But honestly, I would give all my love and my time and my faithfulness and loyalty and resources to, when that right girl arrives. Until then, I would stay as I am – playful, not minding what others are thinking. I am gaining a lot of weight and losing hours of sleep. I just don’t care. It might be just a coping mechanism. Still, I could not care less.

There is this drive, however, that keeps me going and helps me get through my everyday life. And that is, that there will come a time that I would get the chance to meet you again, hopefully more frequent than how we are doing right now, and that you will be able to see me at least as equal with, if not better than that guy whom you gave your heart to, but not entirely, because you are that kind of woman who does not want to get hurt. And then you would tell yourself that it’s worth the risk with me, the way that you once risked for the other lover of yours. I have been telling myself that I need to become a better man, and prepare for that moment. If it would come to fruition, nobody knows, but I would be thankful because you make me aim to be the better man.

And I am ending this entry again. My emotions are like the tide that ebbs and re-surges. It will come again a time that I will be so strongly thinking about you, and then, that strong emotion would just go away – and tell myself that I need to make myself a better man.

My emotions towards everyone already have gone bland. People tell me that I need to have more social skills (they just say that because I don’t practice it, but I just shake my head, shrug my shoulders and give them my cold smile. Hell, I have Neil Strauss and Robert Greene as mentors – anyone who’d tell me that I don’t have social skills definitely has not known me that much yet.) I’ve grown tired of trying to prove my worth to everyone. Because none of those efforts would not be in close comparison to how much I wanted to prove myself to you. It’s as if they don’t deserve me exerting my efforts.

I just want to hold you right now. I badly miss you. I wish I had touched your hand when I had that chance. I wished I had told you how important you are to me, when I had the chance. I wish I was able to give a fuck about me being the same sympathetic, romantic guy again, when we were dining, or wandering anywhere. I wish I had put down all my defenses. But that wound that you inflicted was just so deep, that I could not risk myself from having that wound opened again and be honest about my feelings for you.

Gaaaggh… In time, I would wake up from this make believe.

==================================

“It’s been three years since I’m knockin’ on your door…

and I still can knock some more.”

Waiting in Vain, Bob Marley

Kandila

Posted: February 28, 2013 in Confessions, Cryptics

***This was written exactly three years ago – March 1, 2010. And tonight, you are going to see a string of posts – as what John Mayer said in his song – “of old love,  or lack thereof.”

______________________

Hindi ko matandaan kung gaano na katagal. Pero maraming taon na ang nakalipas. Parehong pareho ang nangyari. Parehong pareho din ang aking naramdaman. Nakakatuwa, pero ang dami nang nangyari sa pagitan ng buhay ko at buhay nya. Pero sa bawat pagkakataon na nagkikita kami, nawawala yung kung anumang haba ng panahon na namagitan. Lahat parang kahapon lang.

Ang kaso, kung anong daming bagay na dapat mong pasalamatan, at napagtagpo kayong muli, yun din ang dami ng mga bagay na nangyari sa dalawang taong hinangad nilang sana ay hindi na lang naganap.

Sanay na ko sa kanya. Ako ang takbuhan nya pag kelangan ng kausap sa problema. Yung problemang dinala nya ilang taon na ang nakalipas. ‘yun din ang nagdala sa kanya papunta sa akin ngayon. Aaminin ko, natutuwa akong nakikita ko ulit sya. Nakakausap. Nakakabiruan. Nakakalimutan ko ang mundo ko sa kasalukuyan. Walang pakialam. Kuntento na ko sa sandaling ‘yon. Sana tumigil na ang oras. Sana. Pero alam mong lilipas din lahat.

Para akong nakatitig sa may sinding kandila. Natutuwa sa alab na nasa mitsa, sa gitna ng kandilang unti-unting tumutulo hanggang sa tuluyang matunaw. Masarap tingnan. Pero pag naupos na ang mitsa. Wala na ang alab. Tunaw na ang kandila. Balik sa kadiliman.

Pero sa bawat pagsasalamat, hindi mo magawang matuwa nang lubusan. Dahil ang dahilan kung bakit sya nasa piling mo ngayon, ay dahil sa lubos nyang kalungkutan. Kalungkutang hindi naman ikaw ang papawi, kungdi yung tao rin na nagdulot sa kanya nito. Gagawin kang bugahan ng sama ng loob, lulunurin ang balikat mo ng luha. Gagawing kanlungan ang braso at bisig mo sa panahon na binabagyo ang puso nya.

Pagkapawi ng kalungkutang iyon, matapos dumaan ang bagyo, ay sya ring paglisan nya. Para ka ulit kandila sa brown out na biglang hinipan pagdating ng kuryente. Itatago. hahanapin lamang pagdating ng kadiliman na.

 

Sa lahat ng iyan. Kahit anong lungkot ang maramdaman mo sa paglisan nya, sya pa rin ‘yung isang bagay na magpapasaya sa’yo. Wala nang hihilingin pa. Pero hindi mo makuha-kuha. Pero pilit kang umaasa. Na baling araw, kasama mo sya hindi dahil ikaw ang takbuhan nya sa problema. Kungdi kasama mo sya, dahil ikaw na ang sagot sa matagal nang problema nya, kung papaanong sya’ng naging sagot sa matagal mo nang kalungkutan.

 

Pero hangga’t hindi dumadating ang panahon na yan, mananatili syang isang kandilang may sindi. Pagmamatyagang mabuti hangga’t hindi pa ubos ang mitsa. At babalik ka na naman sa kadiliman.

 

Pero ayos lang. Ang malaman kong ako pa rin ang takbuhan nya sa parehong problema. Alam kong hindi nya ako ipinagwalang bahala. Sana lang, sa bawat sandal sa balikat. Sa bawat hawak at yapos sa bisig. Sa bawat patak ng luha. Sana maisip nya, kahit hindi sya mag-asam. ‘yung taong takbuhan nya, handang maging sagot sa kanyang problema.

 

(isa… dalawa… TATLO)

 

Ikaw to eh. Ako yung kandila.

Every time I pray to be with you, it’s as if I am pulling you away from the people who are most important in your life. What pains me is that, I can’t seem to know whether I should belong there with them, or I am staying as the one who keeps pulling you away.

Tell me that it’s no good to fight, and I will happily concede. Tell me if I need to fight for my position, then I will certainly do in a heartbeat. But please don”t you put me in a limbo.

“Sumagot ka lang naman ‘wag lang… ewan.” ♪♫

 

**it’s during one of those moments when a great idea gets in to your mind and you just needed to write it down and formulate it in rhymes. It usually takes some great inspiration, or an overwhelming emotion to make something like this… in less than five minutes.

by Jericho Carrillo on Wednesday, 30 November 2011 at 11:40

In Limbo

In this ride I would take a hitch

Twisting, twitching, I missed you pitch

I’m jumping for the killswitch

But I’d still want you in my wishlist

Make this go, make it stop now

Before I let myself get drowned now

I better rest from this bitter best

I want to say ‘I love you’ but I don’t know how

And there she goes yet nobody knows

How this seed of love in my heart grows

She’s heaven sent, but complain, I can’t

Straight to this fantasy from my reality bent

Make this go, make it stop now

I want to let myself get drowned now

It’s good to rest from this bitter best

I’d only want to make you say you love me but you don’t know how

F*ck L*Ve

Posted: September 26, 2012 in Cryptics, Random

It f*cks up

Doesn’t l*ve back

— The best way to put it.

Every single f*cking time

Say, How About a Test Run?

Posted: August 25, 2012 in Cryptics

What if you were shown two similar products by a salesman? But he shows the first one first, and you were convinced and would want to buy it.

And then he shows you the second one, which pretty much has the same stuff that you were looking for. Both of them have their good and bad sides, neither of them you want to let go. But must have to buy only one – it is against the law to possess two at the same time.

To add more to the twist, the salesman tells you these:

– both have no guarantee of working in favor of you, and you understood before you checked the items that it will depend on how compatible your system is with the product;

– no return, no exchange, and since you’ve got no guarantees of it working, you kill yourself thinking of which to buy;

– these two products are the last pieces of each other and – they are in demand in the market, and lots of buyers are interested.

But the salesman for some reason offers you both. You alone, at this very moment. The next time you come back to his shop,  other people would’ve bought those two products already.

And yeah. No test run.

Crash Test Dummy – takes all the pain that you can’t since 1949.

Damsel for Distress

Posted: June 18, 2012 in Cryptics

** This is fiction.

I guess it’s time for me to close this fleeting chapter.

I’ve got to live to fight another day. I’ve realized that doing good for everyone will do good for everyone… but me.

You can’t blame happy people for being happy that they tend to not look at the sad parts of life. Truth is, happy people don’t and won’t give a shit about them. Not that I’m blaming these people for the sad people’s demise. This is the natural course that should be taken. You cannot expect them to look back at what they’ve left and say “Oh, wait, he’s stuck, let’s help,” and all the other bullshit.

You cannot make the water flow to where you want it to, unless you do some drastic move, like digging another channel and divert it. But life is really not as easy as it sounds. There are so many things that you need to consider. For me, I guess I’ve just given so much consideration to so many that I forgot that I should also be looking after my self. Hell, what am I saying?

I should stop thinking about other’s happiness and start thinking about starting my own. I dread that moment when I turn into a cold blooded man.

I just want to thank that very same person who inspired me to set this WP up. You know, had you not come into the scene, I wouldn’t have realized how I really am as a friend, as a part of a group, as an individual, as a ‘guy’. And I would like to apologize for all the things that went around my mind about you  – from the best, to the worst that anyone could think of. What’s weird is, I never said “I love you”, but I feel like this is one of the craziest roller coaster of emotions I’ve had by far. I don’t think that I can still read the things that you wrote – “that made me fall for the writer” – the same way as I did before. But I will keep this blog up.

I was a friend, but I worked as a spy. To everyone. It’s in my nature that I should be wary of everyone. Always ready for that someone meant to stab me at my back. Always ready for an attack. Yeah, the 48 Laws must be responsible, along with the other not-so good stuff in my past. I am not a good follower of those laws, but somehow, in some ways, I manifest in me all the things that I have read, whether on my own volition, or subconsciously. I can’t, and I don’t think I will be able to take it out of my system now.

I was a friend to everyone, and I think I still am. I’ve made it a point that I’d think of everyone’s welfare before mine. I guess I have already played that role so much, that I am already telling myself that getting out of that zone is going to cause me bad things – when in reality, there is really nothing wrong in doing it. I was afraid to make that move to seize what I wanted. But what I did not realize is – whether or not you do something to get what you want, the fear will always be there.

I told myself that I should not be dealing with this type of situation again. That I should know what to do to avoid it. I have not dipped my toe into the waters to test if it’s worth jumping into – for such a long time. And the waters I tested,  I felt so much comfort that I immediately dipped in , only for me to be told that I should get up and leave. Stevie Wonder’s song would best explain it.
And just like any other first experience, this one’s also a rugged edge. I was so cautious of not making a scene, that I ended up magnifying what should be kept in a discreet fashion for everyone’s delight. On the brighter side, you’ve made me want to refine myself, give it time to recuperate, and again walk out there as if nothing happened. I think I know what I need to do the next time this happens. I am actually not sure if I need to let these happen again.

You might think that I am saying these words just because I lost a battle to have what I want – with a hint of sour graping. Truth is, I have never really felt so much affection towards you. But what’s killing me is that I really don’t know why you’ve turned my life around so much, that I forgot who I really am, and who I really should be. What better way to follow up that seven week turmoil I’ve had with my colleagues than to give myself that brick to hit my own head with? I can’t hate you. And I am sorry, but I am letting you know right now – I think I need to hate in able to forget. I’ll try if I could.

How I ended up right here, I don’t know. One thing’s for sure. I need to get out of this hell hole, as soon as possible.

But I will still stay this way – that very same person that you know. Still am grateful for the things that you did for me.

Tell Sushi this is all her fault. 🙂

_______________________________________________________

“If it is seductive power you are after, the Siren is the most potent of all.She operates on a man’s most basic emotions, and if she plays her role properly, she can transform a normally strong and responsible male into a childish slave…

“Sometimes a powerful man will do the most irrational things, have an affair when it is least called for, just for a thrill, the danger of it all. The irrational can prove  immensely seductive, even more so for men, who must always seem so reasonable.”

“The intellectual is often the one most susceptible to the Siren call of pure physical pleasure, because his life so lacks it. The Siren does not have to worry about finding the right victim. Her magic works on one and all.

“Think of the victims of the great Sirens of history: Paris causes a war for the sake of Helen of Troy, Caesar risks an empire and Antony loses his power and his life for Cleopatra, Napoleon becomes a laughingstock over Josephine, DiMaggio never gets over Marilyn, and Arthur Miller can’t write for years. A man is often ruined by a Siren, yet cannot tear himself away. (Many powerful men have a masochistic streak.)”

–  The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

You might not be aware of it, but you do have it. And I’ve told you about it before.

______________________________________________________

“One day, you’ll see this through my eyes.

By then I won’t even be there

I’ll be happy somewhere

Even if I cared” 

(I heard from  a performer named Nina)

A Siren for a Rake.