Cold Summer Nights

Posted: May 19, 2013 in Confessions, Cryptics

(October 19, 2013 – Disclaimer: This was written several months ago. I can see the significant change that has happened to me in the past few months. As I have mentioned several times already in this blog, the emotions involved here, and the person that I was when I wrote this may not necessarily be reflective of my current state. I was actually planning of removing this post. I did for a time, put it in private, for I thought it would give a bad impression to whoever it is that is making me move right now – making me live with a purpose. But I told myself why hide something that helped you make my self who I am right now? So there. You know who you are, if you ever happen to read this. )

I never imagined how cold I have already become, to everyone around me.

These new people around me have been telling me that I tend to be so insensitive every time I make comments about some people, that I sound as if I don’t even give a crap if some people would find them offensive or not. Mind you, I am really that straightforward, but really, I don’t really give a crap.

I used to kill myself thinking of what possibly might be the reasons when your guy friends invite you out, but now I couldn’t almost care less. I am sure that there would be other guys who are hitting on you, and you just go and entertain them. I am just wondering why I just don’t worry much. I don’t know why. The only reason that I could think of is that you are not really into being in a relationship right now, and you just want to have fun. I know, because you told me. And I might have gone too complacent because of that fact.

And you definitely are some force, for me to not desire wanting other girls – I would in a heartbeat reject the idea of wooing a girl who is far from your qualities. Aside from the fact that it would be hard for me to invest some good emotions again, I most of the time just see it as a waste of time.

And come on, honestly, like how many times have we spent time together since the year started? Two movies, an out of town, and a night of gazing at the heavenly bodies? Compare them to the things that you do with your friends, any of those that we’ve had won’t even be written on your calendar as an important event. But I have all of them saved. Both in my calendar, and in my memory. And they are all stored in my heart. Those were precious. Not because most of them were done the first time, but because all of them I did with you. Those were precious, no matter how they don’t seem to count as huge events in your life at all, at least that’ s how I see it.

Just recently, I had some serious discussions with my new colleagues about how to love one’s partner. I know you would believe me if I told you that they thought that I was really a jerk, for letting all those things happen to me, and he people involved, that thing from three years ago. I haven’t got any serious partner since then. Not because I don’t want to get anyone hurt, but it was more of I was traumatized by your rejection – I don’t want to try wasting my time and emotions and efforts anymore on some other girls who can’t even be compared to you.

I am still a bag of douche waiting to be triggered. The slightest touch on the trigger is all I need and I could become the baddest partner there is once again. But honestly, I would give all my love and my time and my faithfulness and loyalty and resources to, when that right girl arrives. Until then, I would stay as I am – playful, not minding what others are thinking. I am gaining a lot of weight and losing hours of sleep. I just don’t care. It might be just a coping mechanism. Still, I could not care less.

There is this drive, however, that keeps me going and helps me get through my everyday life. And that is, that there will come a time that I would get the chance to meet you again, hopefully more frequent than how we are doing right now, and that you will be able to see me at least as equal with, if not better than that guy whom you gave your heart to, but not entirely, because you are that kind of woman who does not want to get hurt. And then you would tell yourself that it’s worth the risk with me, the way that you once risked for the other lover of yours. I have been telling myself that I need to become a better man, and prepare for that moment. If it would come to fruition, nobody knows, but I would be thankful because you make me aim to be the better man.

And I am ending this entry again. My emotions are like the tide that ebbs and re-surges. It will come again a time that I will be so strongly thinking about you, and then, that strong emotion would just go away – and tell myself that I need to make myself a better man.

My emotions towards everyone already have gone bland. People tell me that I need to have more social skills (they just say that because I don’t practice it, but I just shake my head, shrug my shoulders and give them my cold smile. Hell, I have Neil Strauss and Robert Greene as mentors – anyone who’d tell me that I don’t have social skills definitely has not known me that much yet.) I’ve grown tired of trying to prove my worth to everyone. Because none of those efforts would not be in close comparison to how much I wanted to prove myself to you. It’s as if they don’t deserve me exerting my efforts.

I just want to hold you right now. I badly miss you. I wish I had touched your hand when I had that chance. I wished I had told you how important you are to me, when I had the chance. I wish I was able to give a fuck about me being the same sympathetic, romantic guy again, when we were dining, or wandering anywhere. I wish I had put down all my defenses. But that wound that you inflicted was just so deep, that I could not risk myself from having that wound opened again and be honest about my feelings for you.

Gaaaggh… In time, I would wake up from this make believe.

==================================

“It’s been three years since I’m knockin’ on your door…

and I still can knock some more.”

Waiting in Vain, Bob Marley

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