Archive for August, 2012

Twelve Good Thoughts

Posted: August 25, 2012 in Exceptional, Excerpts

Internet posts like this helps at times like this. This somehow takes the confusion away, gives your mind clarity when you needed the most. Well, at least temporarily.

 

1. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

2. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out that you still care for that person.

3. When the door of happiness closes, another opens but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.

4. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

5. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

6. There are things you’d love to hear that you would never hear from the person who you would like to hear from, but don’t be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from their heart.

7. Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth, in the end it fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

8. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

9. A careless word may kindle strife, a cruel word may wreck a life, a timely word may level stress, a loving word may heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

11. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

12. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches..

 

Got this from a Facebook friend. I posted it on my Facebook Notes. 

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Say, How About a Test Run?

Posted: August 25, 2012 in Cryptics

What if you were shown two similar products by a salesman? But he shows the first one first, and you were convinced and would want to buy it.

And then he shows you the second one, which pretty much has the same stuff that you were looking for. Both of them have their good and bad sides, neither of them you want to let go. But must have to buy only one – it is against the law to possess two at the same time.

To add more to the twist, the salesman tells you these:

– both have no guarantee of working in favor of you, and you understood before you checked the items that it will depend on how compatible your system is with the product;

– no return, no exchange, and since you’ve got no guarantees of it working, you kill yourself thinking of which to buy;

– these two products are the last pieces of each other and – they are in demand in the market, and lots of buyers are interested.

But the salesman for some reason offers you both. You alone, at this very moment. The next time you come back to his shop,  other people would’ve bought those two products already.

And yeah. No test run.

Crash Test Dummy – takes all the pain that you can’t since 1949.

Can anyone verify this?

Posted: August 25, 2012 in Exceptional, Excerpts

Got this from Facebook. Whoever came up with this is awesome.

Sinulat ko ito, dalawang taon na ang nakalipas, habang kasagsagan ng Quirino Grandstand Siege. This was already published by Kuro-Kuro

– Aug. 24, 2010 –

SWAT. Hostage negotiations. Hostages. Media. The world stopped last night, to watch how insultingly funny and stupidly we ended that incident in Quirino Grandstand. Last time I checked, it was because of Manny Pacquiao’s win that made the world turn its attention to us again. Now, I can only imagine how every Filipino would walk in the streets, talking about that horrific yesterday.

I used to be proud of our Philippine SWAT. Alam ko na kapag Spec Ops, kahit anong bansa pa yan, hinding hindi ka bibiguin. Kung hindi man mission accomplished, sigurado nilang minimal ang damage, or body counts. Nakita nating lahat, at hindi ko na iisa-isahing yung naganap na KAGAGUHAN kagabi.

This is how Chinese Police deal with hostage takers. Point blank range, that lady cop stared at the hostage taker’s eyes, and BRAVELY pulled the trigger. Man, this cop has more balls than our Philippine SWAT!

Ganito naman yung inaabangan kong eksena kahapon noong lumusob sila sa bus. Kitang kita dito ang GIGN Forces ng France, handang handa, hindi takot humarap at makipagpalitan ng putukan. AT LIMA ANG TERORISTA, hindi lang IISA. Mas maraming sibilyan, pero wala ni isa ang nasawi :

Balikan natin ang mga “MATAGUMPAY” na pagpapa-pogi ng ating mga kapulisan.:

DISCLAIMER: Marami akong kakilala, at kaibigang pulis, alam ko, na ilan sa inyo ay malilinis, at malamang ang iba ay hindi pa nakaranas ng engkwentro sa buong karera ng pagkapulis. Pero, mawalang galang na, huwag nyo sanang gayahin ang mga kabaro ninyong mas trigger happy pa, at parang batang nakahawak ng Mouse at animo’y naglaro ng Counter Strike.

Hindi ko na isasama ang insidente ni Ducat, dahil halata naming staged yun ng mga senatoriables. Kelan mo naman nakita si Chavit Singson na humawak ng granada at inescort-an si Ducat safely, palabas ng bus? Bayani.Baliw!

JUNE 3, 2002 – Ang karumal-dumal na hostage drama sa Pasay.

Kung natatandaan nyo pag kung paano tayo nang-gigil nang pagsasaksakin ng hostage taker na si Talvo si Dexter Balala, 4, habang buhat-buhat sya nito. Pagkatapos noon, parang may nagsindi ng sinturon ni Hudas dun sa Pasay Rail Station – walang patumanggang pinaulanan ng bala ng pulis ang hostage taker, habang BITBIT si Dexter Balala.Ang ikinamatay ng bata – hindi sa saksak. Sa 56 gunshot wounds ni Talvo,imposibleng kahit isa sa bala ng mga pulis ay hindi tumama kay Dexter Balala.Si Balala na walang malay. Naging biktima ng kawalang kahandaan ng ating kapulisan.

November 9, 2005 – Ang exciting na Ortigas ‘Robout’

Dito natin nakita kung paano ka-ignorante sa rules of engagement, ang mga operatiba – when the situation calls for it. At sinigurado pa nilang patay ang nasa manibela, nang tutukan nila ng M-16 at birahan sa ulo ang kawawang suspek. Malas nila at nakuhanan sila ng footage ng UNTV.

Pero, may mga matatagumpay naman silang mga operasyon.Katulad nito.

November 9, 2003 – PGMA’s SWAT Halters NAIA Control Tower Takeover.

Naalala ko noon, madaling araw, naghahanda akong pumasok sa eskwela noon. May breaking news sa GMA7. Si Arnold Clavio ay kasalukuyang kinakausap ang nag-kumander sa NAIA Terminal II control tower nina dating Air Transportation Office Chief Panfilo Villaruel at Navy Lt. Richard Gatchillar.

Nang umagang yan, habang kinakausap ni Arnold Clavio si Villaruel sa telepono, ay kasalukuyang naka-execute ang plans ng SWAT na lusubin ang control tower, at i-eliminate sila. While on-air, sinabi ni Villaruel kay Arnold na “Pinuputukan kami dito, Arnold. Papatayin nila kami dito.” Habang sinasambit yan ni Villaruel ay dinig mo ang hungos ng hininga nya sa linya, at alam mong may tama, at napuruhan ng SWAT.

“Suko na kami.” Yan ang last words ni Chief Villaruel.Pagkatpos noon, isang masakit sa tengang “Aargh,” na para bang nanood ka ng action movie. Sabay naputol ang linya, wala nang kausap si Arnold kahit anong tawag nya.

Napag-alaman nating may grievances ang mga martir na sundalong ito, kaya nila pinilit na i-take over ang control tower, upang umagaw ng atensyon. Siguro ay wala sa hinagap nila na tutuluyan sila ng SWAT. Yang mga panahon na yan, ay kasalukuyang ‘aligaga’ ang PGMA Administration. Praning sa mga kudeta, kasagsagan ng Magdalo Oakwood Mutineers.

The Magdalo Rebels, Oakwood Mutiny, Marine Standoff in FortBonifacio, and the Manila Pen Siege. – Ang tatlong mabibigat na banta sa administrasyon ni PGMA, ay sya ring kasing kulay. Naging matagumpay ang AFP sa tulong na rin ng SWAT at PNP na maiwasang magdanak ng dugo. Tinear gas ang Manila Pen, pinosasan ang mga media, at lahat ay in-assume na suspects. Kahit yung kasing credible ng mga Anchors ng major news networks ng bansa, na walang bahid ng itsurang dadampot at marunong gumamit ng baril. SOP daw eh. Pero naka-takas si Faeldon, at inasar pa sila nang nagpadala ng videos nya sa harap ng kampo nila. Ironic.

Napansin ko lang, at siguro pati kayo. Kapag mga kudeta ang banta, ambibilis gumalaw ng mga pulis patola natin. Para bang may ayaw mabulgar sa mga itinatago nilang sila Trillanes at Querubin lang ang may alam, at hindi maisiwalat dahil sa mga kasong nakapatong sa ulo nila.

Ang gagaling. Executed with perfection. No casualties.

Pero alam na natin ang nangyari kagabi. At si Isko Morenoang napapakinggan ko ngayon, kausap ni Arnold Clavio, sinisisi ang kapatid ni Mendoza, na dahil sa na-agitate si Mendoza sa bus kaya sya pumatay ng hostage. Wala akong narinig sa kanya, at hindi man lang pumuna sa kakulangan ng mga pulis.

Rules of Engagement. Standard Operating Procedures. Tactical Assault. Hostage Negotiation. Ang babangong pakinggan. Ang babaho ng imahe ngkapulisan natin ngayon, dahil mistulang hindi nila pinag-aralan yan.

Nagmaso ng windshield. Binarag lahat ng bintana. Yung isang operative, inakyat ang emergency door ng bus. It took him like two minutes to struggle getting inside to take a look. Nung pinutukan sya ni Mendoza, wala pang five seconds patalon palabas na! Nahulog pa sa pintuan yung maso na gamit nila. Yung tear gas, akala mo parang hindi alam ang gagawin kung pano ibabato sa loob ng bus.

Biruan nga naming mga kabataan. Kung kami ang nasa War Room nyang hostage scene, mas magagawa naming mag strategize. Mga adik kami sa Counter Strike at DoTA. At mukhang mas maraming Hollywood movies kaming napanood tungkol sa hostage crisis and negotiations kesa sa mga operatiba kahapon.

“Tear gas at flashbang lang yan.” Pero siguro nga, mahirap talaga. Wala kami sa sitwasyon, so wala kaming karapatang magsalita. Eh bakit yung pamangkin ko at nanay kong walang alam sa CQB at Tactical Assault, alam ang gagawin?

Kung ako ang tatanungin mo. Maraming may kasalanan. Sing-dami ng mga nagtuturuan. Ang media, ang pulis, kahit mismong lipunan nating hindi maibalik-balik ang tiwala nila sa kapulisan. Bakit ‘ka mo? Mas malakas ang tawag ng kalam ng sikmura ng mga pulis natin, kesa sa kanilang tungkulin. Hindi mo masisi ang mga mabubuting tao noon, na napabaluktot ng liku-likong sistema ng Pulisya. Kulang sa pondo, sa pagsasanay, sa kagamitan, sa recruits. Sagana sa sahod, sa bonus, sa freebies – free gas, free exposure, free KOTONG!

At tatakbo ang istoryang ito, magsisisihan ang media, pulis,at isama mo na ang kapatid ni Mendoza na gusto lang isoli sa kanya ang baril.Pagkatapos ng lahat, lilipas ang mga araw, matatabunan ang isyu, may bagyo,panalo si Pacquiao. Pasko. Pag tinanong mo ulit ang masang Pinoy, ang isasagot nila sa’yo :

“Sinong Mendoza?”

Kabilang sa 10 Most Outstanding Policemen, nung kabataan nya. Patay sa hostage drama.

 

The following address was delivered by Steve Jobs, then CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, at Stanford University‘s 114th Commencement on June 12, 2005:

(Honestly, after reading this, I wanted to take back my word that Conan’s address might have surpassed Jobs’ – Let me tell you all now that they are in two different leagues of their own, and I do not want to make any comparison between them whatsoever from hereon.)

 

 

The text goes:

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Applein my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down – that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960′s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

This thought just came in to me, minutes after I was done writing that entry about Conan.

Just like Jesus in his 40 days’ disappearance and being tempted by the devil in the desert, I noticed that there is one common ground that a lot of great people, in their middle-age life, had gone through – they went to a journey, away from the world that they were in, and came back as totally reformed individuals. They journeyed and their physical bodies experienced a lot of hardships at times, being far away from their comfort zones. Most of the time though, it is their souls that did the travelling.

I want to believe that that part of the Bible that tells the story of Jesus Christ and his desert journey, is just a figurative interpretation. Who knows what else happened in those forty days? He might have travelled far enough and experience a different culture from say, the far out lands of India, perhaps? And when he went back, he was already teaching stuff similar to what you are supposed to know from Buddhism.  A journey from Jerusalem to India within forty days in his time, was not impossible at all. Well, that’s just me thinking randomly there. I don’t know much of the detail as I am not a fan of the Book.

Hell, even Anakin Skywalker took that road, when he was in search of her mother. He was a good apprentice – only consumed by hatred for the creatures that murdered his family, and frustrations and shortcomings of being a Jedi apprentice, all of these  made him join the dark side. He was still, for me, the best fictional villain the human mind has ever created, for he was a combination of all – love, anger, power, passion, desire… epic greatness worthy of a saga. Forget about Harry Potter, Darth Vader’s tales are of a different level.

Conan O’Brien went on a hiatus from the television scene, for 17months. He went to stand ups, made an album and a documentary. He grew his beard. did things that he normally did not use to do while he was away.

Steve Jobs, although did not technically went to a journey physically, but the lessons that he took in calligraphy nurtured his soul, and it was the key to his success driving designs in Apple Computers. He had his hardships mostly in the early years of his academic life.

Rizal’s exile in Dapitan is also a good example. It was a very tranquil place, very serene, paradise-like. It wasn’t exile at all, it seemed like a vacation before his dreaded execution. His greatest enemy probably was loneliness and being away from his family.

With all these in mind, I would like to believe, that I, at my age, am still young, and still have a lot to experience. I have not even yet had that share of my rock bottom, not that I am longing for it to happen, but no one will ever be so prepared. It is meant to devastate you, and you will be. It’s meant to leave an indellible mark in your life in exchange for something greater. That’s for me to know and to discover. I just have to brace myself for whatever that will be.

As per Jobs’ words : “Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.” And trust I must. And then someday, I will have my share of immortality (I wonder why I always have that thing in mind, the search and desire for it?)

_________________________________________________

Conan: Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.  One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.

Luhrman:  “Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.  The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.”

Jobs:  “Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.”

_________________________________________________

They seem to not know where they were heading during their younger years. They all seem to talk about braving the uncertain, unchartered territories in their lives. What makes you so afraid of how you’re going with yours then?

This is by far one of the most inspiring words I have heard from anybody. I am sure that a lot will budge when they get to read this comment, but Conan O’Brien‘s commencement address at Dartmouth in 2011 for me might have surpassed that of Steve Job’s  at Stanford in 2005 in many ways. I find it quite funny, not because the speech came from a comedian, but it is also just as interesting because it came from no less than Conan, one of the best, if not the best in his industry. Still, it never crossed my mind that a guy like him (I am not saying that he is not exceptional, but there are still a lot better guys than he is that can be invited to deliver it) would be the one to do it. A lot of smack to awaken you in the reality that you are in. No sugar coats, just a lot of tickling of your funny bones. I don’t know, but this one inspires me more than Jobs’ does.

After reading this, go ahead and check the video if you want. I can go ahead and add the link here a little later on when I get home. I cannot access YouTube here in the office. And then, just as when you think the inspiration is going to subside, go and read, and there is also a YouTube video of this – “Everybody is free to wear sunscreen” by Baz Luhrman.

It has always been a dream of mine to speak in front of a graduating batch, maybe from my very own CMSHS, or maybe an acceptance speech for whatever it is noble that I am bound to do in the future. And I want it to be memorable, just as the others’ speeches have become. I’m gonna go and put it in my bucket list. I have yet to wait for the right moment, and I need to deserve that chance. I need to earn my name’s respect in my realm, whatever clout it is that my realm has.

________________

Here’s the full text:

Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom.  I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.

Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things

—-Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011.  Today, you have achieved something special —– something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know:  a college diploma.   That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce.  I’m talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.   Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would somebody have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.
My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair.  For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend, and Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight.  Deal with it.  Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.

I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today.  After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man.  He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim.  To his friends, he’s Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, “Stinky Pete.”  He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant and was one of Time Magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in 2006.  Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for?  Seriously.  We get it; you’re smart.  By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.

But I thank you for inviting me, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor to be here.   Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit.  Literally.  Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat.  I did it to prove a point —- I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.

But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car.

New Hampshire is such a special place.   When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, “Wow, I’m in the state that’s next to the state where Ben and Jerry’s ice cream is made.”

But don’t get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously.  When I got the call 2 months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper.  So late last night, I began.  I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser.  I think Wikipedia put it best when they said “Dartmouth college is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States.”  Thank you and good luck.

To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linquistic patterns.  In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.

Yes, I’ve done my research.  This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbazon School of Beauty.  Your school motto is “Vox Clamantis in Deserto,” which means “Voice Crying Out in the Wilderness.”  This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard.  Apparently, it narrowly beat out “Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub” and “Wimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants.”   Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true, “it was the only color that had not been taken already.” I cannot remember hearing anything so sad.  Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college.  Meredith Grey of Grey’s Anatomy.  Pete Campbell from Mad Men.  Michael Corleone from The Godfather.  In fact, I look forward to next years’ Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula.  Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner.  Man, imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions.   Oh, I know.  You’re going to say “We’ve got Dr. Seuss.” Well guess what, we’re all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss.   Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle.  In the literary community, that’s called cheating.

Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don’t even think you deserve a real podium.  What the hell is this thing?  It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova Scotia.  Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.

No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall.  Raise your heads high and feel proud.

Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, Lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest.  Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room.  And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell …..well, frankly, who gives a shit.

Yes, I’ve always had a special bond with this school.  In fact, this is my second time coming here.   When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth.  Dartmouth was a very different place back then.  I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus.  No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River junction.  It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months.  I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders.  Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return.

But fate dealt a heavy blow.   With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River.  I was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder:  What if I had gone to Dartmouth?

If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.

If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I’d be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.

If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn’t know the second verse to “Dear Old Dartmouth.”  Face it, none of you do; you all mumble that part.

If I had gone to Dartmouth, I’d have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.

Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I’d be getting an honorary degree at Harvard.  Imagine how awesome that would be.

You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address.   That’s right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world.   To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous “Iron Curtain” speech at Westminster College in 1946.  JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963.  And today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it The Conan Doctrine.  Under The Conan Doctrine:

All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to masters degrees, all masters degrees will be upgraded to PhD’s, and all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.
Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio.  Clothing will be optional and all expenses will be paid by the Alumni Association.

Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick-ass like “The Jade Blade,” the “Seafoam Avenger” or simply “Lime-Zilla.”

The D-Plan and “quarter system” will finally be updated to “the one sixty-fourth system.”  Semesters will last 3 days and students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off.  They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.

I will re-instate Tubestock.  And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock.  Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer.  I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock —  7 hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk.  Don’t let those bastards do it!

And finally, under the Conan doctrine, all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize…..TO THE GREATEST GRADUATING CLASS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.   DARTMOUTH CLASS OF 2011 RULES!!!

Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like “reach for the stars.”  Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés.  Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.

First, adult acne lasts longer than you think.  I almost cancelled 2 days ago because I had a zit on my eye.

Guys:  this is important — you cannot iron a shirt while wearing it

If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feeling in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.

And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with your life.
Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well.  Parents, write this down:

Many of you haven’t seen your children in four years.  Now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the WiFi isn’t working.

If your child majored in Fine Arts or Philosophy, you have good reason to be worried.  The only place where they are really now qualified to get a job is ancient Greece.

The traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle of the K’s.

You will spend more money framing your child’s diploma than they will earn in the next six months.  It’s tough out there, so be patient.  The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.

Yes, you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there.  And one of the reasons that it’s so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs..  Trust me on this.  Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave….and say it on television — I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it…there is no guarantee they won’t come back.   Of course I’m speaking generally.

But enough.  This is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity.  No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you.

Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard.  I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say.  But then 2010 came.   And now I’m here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I’d like to share it with you.   In 2000, I told graduates “Don’t be afraid to fail.”  Well now I’m here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.   Nietzsche famously said “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  But what he failed to stress is that IT ALMOST KILLS YOU.  Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting.  What Nietzsche should have said is  “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning. “

By definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful.  But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment.  I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and help define me for the better part of seventeen years.  I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid.  It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.

But then something spectacular happened.  Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things.  I grew a strange, cinnamon beard.  I dove into the world of social media and started tweeting my comedy.  I threw together a national tour.  I played the guitar, did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family.   Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing re-runs, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman.  I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what —- with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life.  To this day I still don’t understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged, and this is important —- had more conviction about what I was doing.

How could this be true?  It’s simple: there are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.  I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going.  At Harvard, five different guys told me that they would one day be President of the Unites States.  Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs.   The other one briefly hosted “Blues Clues,” before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out.   Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.  One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.  This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty five years, I can speak best about my own profession.

Way back in the 1940’s there was a very funny man named Jack Benny.  He was a giant star and easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation.  And a much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny.  In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn’t.  He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction.  And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation.  David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman.   And none of us are — my peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways.  But the point is this: It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.  It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention.

So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed.  For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show.  It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful.   But that is not true.  No specific job or career goal defines me and it should not define you.  In 2000, I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that.  But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come.  The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it.  And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than “follow your dream.”  Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change.  And that’s okay.  Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become.  And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined.  Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed.   I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech.  I know I have.  But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007.

I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true.  I’d like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago.  At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. “ Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more.

Thank you very much, and congratulations.

___________________

Now go and check this out : https://jerichoswalls.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/everybody-is-free-to-wear-sunscreen/