An Ex: To; About; From

Posted: June 12, 2012 in Confessions

**Alright, this was written more than a year ago. Me and an ex have this special connection. Being former lovers that we are, we enjoy the fact that we can talk and discuss things that go beyond the boundaries of friendship, and yet, have that very thin line that separates us as former lovers keep us from engaging into something that would affect our current lives as separate individuals. IF there’s such thing as a soul mate, then she would be that for me – if you are one of those who believe that you don’t need to currently be in a relationship with a soul mate to be able to call her one.

Things have changed now. Whatever my feelings were at the time when I wrote this, may not be what I am feeling right now, towards the girl; and just the same, whatever mindset I was at during the time when I wrote this is definitely different from what I am at right now.

Again, this is a fictitious, close-to-reality entry.  To believe in what’s in it, is all up to you.

(*not her real name)

Maggie*,

Oh, eto na.

You know i love writing, so expect this to be a long one. I met Liz*. We got into a relationship. Everything was going well. ok ako sa bahay nya, as in tanggap ako ng buong mag-anak sa isang compound nila sa Guadalupe. Parang kulang na lang, magtapos sya ng studies and then we settle down.

And so i headed my way to work. i graduated a year ahead of her. I spent a year working, with her studying in her last year in college. Alam ng officemates ko yung relationship namin. Minsan ko nang naipakilala sa lahat ng officemates ko noon. And there was nothing that would cause a problem in our relationship. All that stuff. (Interestingly, I was picturing out our relationship this nicely.)

2 months before her graduation, I transferred to this BPO*. I had to attend the graveyard’s shift for a
month during the training. And we had only a few chances to meet up. And right there, was when his
effing thing with Rachel* started. (I guess I am really prone to this stuff, no?)

I saw Rachel as someone who’s smart and can be more interesting to go out with, quite opposite of what Liz’ image is. I saw Liz then, as a childish girl, and minsan may pagkapasaway sa kulit. I didn’t know what happened, pero Rachel and I kinda worked out well together. The next thing i knew, Rachel was telling me to break up with Liz, if she’s (Rachel) the one I want and be with. At that time, I was just about to be fed up with Liz’ childishness (or that was what i tried to convince myself to believe). And I bit the bait of the thought of being with a more outgoing girl, whom i could do more fun stuff with, than with Liz.

To make it short, I broke up with Liz to be with Rachel, giving the situation a wrong justification, na “mas mabuti nang iwan ang isa kesa pagsabayin”, which i admit, is one of the stupidest thoughts i have ever formulated.

Pero alam mo, when I called Liz on the phone, something in me seemed to tell me not to break up with her. hindi ko alam.. maybe Rachel really had this thing that she can set one’s mind on something to her favor. And there was I, so gullible, gave in to her.

THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE.

And the rest is history with Rachel. We all know what happened.

And I, again, was left all alone, after leaving someone to be with another. I screwed up this time, the way I would’ve screwed it up with you back then. Good thing fate did not let it happen to us. It was your salvation from me.

And a lot of nights, and days, and times in the middle of work, have i thought of how stupid i am of leaving Liz for Rachel. Well, i thought all along that i could have gone well with Rachel. Unfortunately, it was already too late that i discovered how ruthless Rachel could get just to get what she wants, no matter how, no matter whoever is against her way.

I haven’t seen Liz since then.

I was a pussy for breaking up with her over the phone. And the fact that I haven’t seen her in over a year, makes me wonder of how she is right now. We exchange texts every now and then just to catch up with things. But never did we talk seriously about the serious stuff. And i think it is just her way of not showing how mad she is about something, that made it look like she’s not MAD at me at all when we text. I am sure that she got mad, but not sure of just HOW mad she was.

I wanted to apologize to her.
I wanted to get that itch off of me.

Most of all, I miss her.

The way i wave my fingers when my arm rests on her shoulders, and as i wave my fingers, it gives her a signal that she needs to reach with her hand, and hold mine tight. And i still had that ‘reflex’ when I was with Rachel – and she hated it. 🙂

The sweet singing voice of hers. And when she convinces me to sing, and makes me feel like i am a rock star no matter how my singing voice sucks.

That childish thing that she does with her upper lips to reach the tip of her nose. And teases me because i just can’t do it. Parang ikaw lang. Ü

That thing in me that makes me just want to attend masses with her, and you know that i am not just that kind of guy. Sometimes, or most of the time, it annoys me. but the thought of being with her in the church just takes all the annoyance away. and then right after the mass, we would go food tripping,

The cuddling, with no sex, which i find so romantic. She has this strong will and self-control, that even i failed to convince her to do it with me until it is the right time. And that’s just something to be respected and adored.

I miss the feeling of loving someone and being loved back by the same person. I am not sure if I need to picture me and her whenever I think of that. But her face is the first thing that appears in my mind every time it happens.

Ayan… i never described her and the stuff we did this way.

I don’t know if it is right to think of wanting her back.
Thanks for the time to read this, Maggie. Ü Will be waiting for your reply. (try to appreciate me this time.Ü)

Sincerely,

Seth

====

**Maggie actually replied. And it was one of the sweetest things I’ve ever gotten from an ex. 

__________________________________________________________________

It’s been a while. Yet, whenever I read this letter, it always makes it seem to me that it only happened yesterday. Breaking up with her is by far one my biggest regrets in life. That one thing I cherished so much, and can never bring back because of my stupid selfish desires.

You know that you really lost something so precious, when you thought you’ve already managed to live your life without her, after a few years, and then there will be times that she and the memories you’ve made cross your mind. And then you turn into a sad being again. And she will always remain as the ghost of your girlfriend past.

And you can never bring her back…

***UPDATE : July 19, 2012

Here’s Maggie’s reply to my letter. I found it after searching over my old blog files. 🙂
(again, not the real names)

First and foremost, I am sorry for being so hard on you, Seth. I didnt know that between us, I was
the happier one in terms of our private relationships; that you were enduring so much emptiness.
Maybe, its just that i expected much; I expected you to mature, grow and learn from what
happened between us. My impression when you told me about Liz the first time was that she is
truly your breath of fresh air; she was your resurrection from all the wrong decisions and
immaturities that we had… from all the “could have been-s” in our past. Liz, was so right for you,
Seth. Maybe from an ex-girlfriends point of view, hindi ka naman masyado nagbago from the Seth
that I used to date so from where I see it, Liz can naturally tame you. And that gave me some
sense of peace that you were in the right hands and heart, while I was being happy “with my Own
Liz”.

__
I have been happy with or without a partner all these years, so I kinda forgot how it is to miss
someone; or have the yearning of being touched and hugged by the person we loved so much. I felt
deeply touched about how you miss her. Just be careful, Seth. Don’t let emotions deceive you.
Maybe, this is just what loneliness is bringing you; not because you still loved her. Or maybe nga,
you still love her. Both ways, it is premature to say. Liz is a great lady, Seth. If you screw this up
again, it may be the last of whatever communication you have with her now. I understand her if she
will refuse to re-establish communication with you. Pain changes people; and most probably, she may no longer be the sweet Liz that used to hold your hands and hug you. I speak from my own experience, Seth. Pain freezes Love. For sometime, Its still there, but it takes amount of heat to regain the flame. Lets just hope its not too late.

I don’t know if you are asking for my advice. I don’t know, Seth. I am not an expert on this. I know a
thing or two about love. But I know a lot about self-recovery and healing. Its takes years. And lots
of efforts and distraction. Sana, before you meet Liz or ask her out again, alam mo sa sarili mo na buo ka na. Restore yourself. Be happy with what you have and dont have. Excel in your work; and rekindle your personal and professional realtionships; restablish your career and personal goals.

Love yourself first, Seth. Enjoy singleness. Love is just an add-on to our lives. Ipaintindi mo sa puso
mo, na relationship is not a requirement. In your situation now, ill be frank with you, you ain’t ready to have a relationship. You dont deserve Liz yet.I am very frank, you know that. But this is for your own good too. You may feel empty now, Seth. But Liz is not the answer. You are heading towards a disaster if you choose to plunge prematurely in a relationship built in so much uncertainty. I dont believe in Jerry Maguire’s “You complete me”.

Love is about two complete people complementing each other, not supplicating one another. Be
complete first, Seth. That is when you will truly have the maturity to take good care of Liz.
God bless you.

____________

(And up to now, I still am in the process of answering her question of whether or not I am already complete… after a couple of years. I guess I really am not ready yet.)

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